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    Alex was walking home from work. Due to an issue with his boss he had to stay later then usual. As he walked on he suddenly had the feeling like someone was watching him.

    He turned around and quickly scanned his surroundings. Nothing, his heart slowed down a little. When he turned back around he almost screamed.

    There was a figure slowly walking toward him, as it passed a street lamp he saw that it had no face. It had loads of black tentacles that seemed to be spouting in every direction. Alex was frozen in fear. He knew he would die unless he tried to escape.

    Before he could run far the figure wrapped a tentacle around both his legs, causing him to brutally fall to the ground. He moaned in pain and tired to escape, but it was useless. The figure then wrapped several tentacles around his body until he was completely stuck.

    Alex asked in a shy voice, “Who are you?”

    The figure responded evilly, “Your doom.”

    He started to laugh like a madman and tightened his grip on Alex. By now he was moaning in pain as he was being crushed by the tentacles. He screamed as his bones started to break. The figure then wrapped a tentacle around his head. He begged for help. He screamed at the top of his lungs for someone to call the police.

    The figure suddenly let him go. Shocked, he turned around and saw several police cars parked right behind him. Several officers were hiding behind their cars while holding the figure at gunpoint. He felt a sigh of relief. He was saved.

    “More backup eh, they won’t save you aaaaaaaaaaaa.”

    He turned around and saw that the figure was holding onto his chest. A tar like liquid was coming out of his wound. One of the officers must have shot the figure right in the chest.

    The figure shouted, ‘This isn't over Alex,” and disappeared into mist. He turned around to thank his savers. The officers were advancing but something was off. One of the cops pointed his gun at him. Wtf, he wanted to run but he felt like his feet was stuck in quicksand.

    “no, what did I do? No, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

    The officer suddenly changed into the figure from before. He screamed in a fierce voice, “times up Alex,” and leaped towards him.

    “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” he screamed.

    He woke up in a cold sweat. He quickly looked around his dark room but he saw nothing stange. It was only a dream. That’s when he remembered something. Tomorrow, he was going to have a talk with his boss.

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    • I really enjoy the suspense that you employed in your story.

      I would think of ways to spice up your diction choices. Some words like "walk" and "scream" among others, are used quite often. Try to come up with some more descriptive and stronger words. This will make your writing more clear and get rid of some redundancies.

      Moaning in pain is used twice, I think you should only use it once.

      I also found a few grammar issues. "Due to an issue with his boss(,) he had to stay later then usual" is an example of a missing comma. Look for places where a pause would be needed. You also have a few capitalization errors. '“no (No), what did I do?"

      Some things need to be rearranged. "Alex asked in a shy voice, 'Who are you?”' should actually be "'Who are you?' Alex asked in a shy voice" there are also other places that need this.

      I think the extended "aaaaaaa" and the "nooooooooooo" are in bad taste. They sound a bit cartoony, and to be honest, everytime I see the "nooooooo" I think of this video with Darth Vader. I would suggest removing those bits all together as they detract from the story.

      I think in some areas you should make it more clear what is happening. "“no (sic), what did I do? No, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” I feel that this line needs more description. I get that he is sinking in quick sand, but you should make that more clear here. I don't really get the impression that he is sinking, rather he is just screaming.

      "Wtf" should also be removed. I find it hilarious that it is in here, but the acryonym is a bit jarring. It also isn't connected to Alex's thoughts either.

      I think the whole "it was just a dream" is cliche. I think you could cut off that whole last paragraph and still be fine.

      Overall, I think you have something here. I quite enjoy the story, and I especially like the inclusion of the police. In most stories, the police don't actually do anything.

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    • AViciousRainbow wrote: I really enjoy the suspense that you employed in your story.

      I would think of ways to spice up your diction choices. Some words like "walk" and "scream" among others, are used quite often. Try to come up with some more descriptive and stronger words. This will make your writing more clear and get rid of some redundancies.

      Moaning in pain is used twice, I think you should only use it once.

      I also found a few grammar issues. "Due to an issue with his boss(,) he had to stay later then usual" is an example of a missing comma. Look for places where a pause would be needed. You also have a few capitalization errors. '“no (No), what did I do?"

      Some things need to be rearranged. "Alex asked in a shy voice, 'Who are you?”' should actually be "'Who are you?' Alex asked in a shy voice" there are also other places that need this.

      I think the extended "aaaaaaa" and the "nooooooooooo" are in bad taste. They sound a bit cartoony, and to be honest, everytime I see the "nooooooo" I think of this video with Darth Vader. I would suggest removing those bits all together as they detract from the story.

      I think in some areas you should make it more clear what is happening. "“no (sic), what did I do? No, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” I feel that this line needs more description. I get that he is sinking in quick sand, but you should make that more clear here. I don't really get the impression that he is sinking, rather he is just screaming.

      "Wtf" should also be removed. I find it hilarious that it is in here, but the acryonym is a bit jarring. It also isn't connected to Alex's thoughts either.

      I think the whole "it was just a dream" is cliche. I think you could cut off that whole last paragraph and still be fine.

      Overall, I think you have something here. I quite enjoy the story, and I especially like the inclusion of the police. In most stories, the police don't actually do anything.

      Thanks, I did a twist at the end but is it better without it?

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    • Skyrim90000 wrote:

      AViciousRainbow wrote: I really enjoy the suspense that you employed in your story.

      I would think of ways to spice up your diction choices. Some words like "walk" and "scream" among others, are used quite often. Try to come up with some more descriptive and stronger words. This will make your writing more clear and get rid of some redundancies.

      Moaning in pain is used twice, I think you should only use it once.

      I also found a few grammar issues. "Due to an issue with his boss(,) he had to stay later then usual" is an example of a missing comma. Look for places where a pause would be needed. You also have a few capitalization errors. '“no (No), what did I do?"

      Some things need to be rearranged. "Alex asked in a shy voice, 'Who are you?”' should actually be "'Who are you?' Alex asked in a shy voice" there are also other places that need this.

      I think the extended "aaaaaaa" and the "nooooooooooo" are in bad taste. They sound a bit cartoony, and to be honest, everytime I see the "nooooooo" I think of this video with Darth Vader. I would suggest removing those bits all together as they detract from the story.

      I think in some areas you should make it more clear what is happening. "“no (sic), what did I do? No, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” I feel that this line needs more description. I get that he is sinking in quick sand, but you should make that more clear here. I don't really get the impression that he is sinking, rather he is just screaming.

      "Wtf" should also be removed. I find it hilarious that it is in here, but the acryonym is a bit jarring. It also isn't connected to Alex's thoughts either.

      I think the whole "it was just a dream" is cliche. I think you could cut off that whole last paragraph and still be fine.

      Overall, I think you have something here. I quite enjoy the story, and I especially like the inclusion of the police. In most stories, the police don't actually do anything.

      Thanks, I did a twist at the end but is it better without it?


      Yeah, I think the twist is cliche. Simply put, there are many stories that end with "it was just a dream."

      Say if the twist was an essential part of the story, it would be fine. For example if there were more to the story and your story so far was just a small part of a much larger one with many dreams and an actual encounter with Slenderman. Or perhaps if the fact that it was a dream was further integrated into the story that it serves a crucial role, it would be fine. As it sits, you could completely take that whole ending part out and it wouldn't change a thing.

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    • Alright. I was trying to make it funny. That's probably why.

      There is more. This is just a tiny draft of a much bigger story. I just wanted to know how this was first before continuing on.

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    • I think once you make a few revisions to what you have so far, you should be in pretty good shape to continue on.

      I would also say that the whole dream thing could work as long as long as it is integrated more throughout the story. Such as parallels from the dream into the real world, other dreams, etc. In that case, you would have a well rounded story.

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