Humor Article

The following story is not supposed to be a creepypasta or spinpasta.
It was made for comedy, and shall not be taken seriously.

Sheriff Slenderman, or Sheriff Slendy, as the people called him, stood on the side of the Laughing Jack Lake. He stopped at the bank, a surge of memories coming to him.

Years back, in 1903, when he was only a deputy, he was in this very spot. The pale corpse of the former sheriff, BEN, was laying here, half submerged in the water. Slendy had vowed to find out what happened to him. He never did. He ran his hand along his smooth, expressionless face. This was the one case that kept him from retiring in all of his thirty years of his service. He turned away and walked off, stopping by Bob's Pub to get a drink and a quick smoke. He sat at the booth and pulled out a crudely rolled cigarette. He was just about to light it when Bob dropped a bottle of scotch on the table. "Bob, I keep telling you, you have no arms, get some help in this place."

Bob replied with a mere grunt as he pulled the cork out of the bottle. Successful in his endeavour, he said in his cocky tone "I will get help when I can't do that anymore."  Then he asked, "Got any more of those cancer sticks?"

"Here," he said, thrusting one into Bob's mouth before asking "Need a lig--"

Bob simply ate the cigarette and swallowed it. Slendy just stared at him with his blank face, not even sure what to say. "Thanks, sheriff," Bob said quickly before walking off to the back.

Slendy forced open his jaws, the thick layer of flesh dividing his inside from the out was ripped open in giant gaps, he threw a swig of his scotch down then placed the cig in one of the holes, then closed his jaws. The gaps in his flesh closed on all points except for the area with the cigarette.

Bob walked out of the back room and said to Slendy "Phone call for ya. Says her name's Jane."

"Fuck." He got up to the phone and said as politely as he could muster: "Hello?

A stern voice spoke from the other line "Cut the shit, Slenderman, I want you in my office, NOW."   There was a click, then the dial tone.

He trudged over to the counter and pulled out his wallet, "How much do I owe you?"

"It's on the house." Bob said, muffled, with a bar rag in his mouth.

Slendy opened the door to the chief's office, seeing the back of a big leather chair swing around to him. A beautiful woman with black eyes looked at him, and in a calm voice said "Sit down"

"I'd rather stand." He paced about the front of the room, looking at the pictures on the wall; some of them depicted disgusting creatures while others showed human-type things. The last picture was of BEN, the last officer killed in the line of duty.

"There's been a string of murders in the area around Rake Woods. The technique is similar to another murderer from a few years back. A fella named Jeff. I want him dead. No prisons, he can escape easily. Kill him."

"Yes, chief," He mock-saluted, his long arm knocking over a lamp. "Oh, shit." He fumbled about, pacing the base awkwardly on the table and backed out.

Jane sighed and shouted "We have a person in the interrogation room, talk to her to find some information."

Slendy sat at one end of the table. A small, bloody girl in a dirty, pink nightgown was at the other end, a large cup of black coffee in her hands. "What's your name?"


"Cute name for a little girl."

"I'm older than I look. I'm dead, so I'm stuck like this."

Slendy scribbled some notes down on his clipboard. "So this assailant tried to assault you? Or were you a witness?"

"He killed this nice lady I knew, I was watching through the window of my house. After he carved the smile in her face, he-he looked at me." She took a long sip from her cup.

"What did he look like?"

"White suit, the usual form of an about 20-25 year old man."

"What about his face?"

"Pale, black hair, and big black circles around his eyes. He had this huge, jagged smile cut into his face."

"Okay, this fits the old descriptions. I think we're done here." He stood up from the table an started to leave.

"Wait, what about me?"

"You? You said it yourself, you're already dead." He said right before the door closed.

Slendy walked throughout the town; he didn't pay attention to where he was going until he was there, at Rake Woods. The place he grew up. He went into the dark canopy of the trees, looking around until he found it, The Oak, the largest tree in the woods where he and his brothers would play hide and seek from their father. They pasted all of these little notes around the woods so their dad would get lost looking for the notes while they hid in the small hole inside. He wondered whether there was still a page inside of the hole. He reached in with his long arm and withdrew the old slip of yellowed paper. He wiped away some of the dirt and leaves. The page read: DON'T LOOK OR IT TAKES YOU

Slendy chuckled and turned away from the tree. In a flash of white, Slendy was down on the ground; the thing that hit him was unfocused and moving quickly. "Hello, Sheriff," it chuckled, "Shhhhhhh…Go to sleep."

Slendy woke up in a small, wooden cabin. He could barely make out the outline of some large, red figure. In a raspy voice, Slendy said "I know you're out there, Jeff. Just come out already."

"Oh, you're no fun there Slenderman. I at least wanted to see him cut us a bit." A deep, mangled voice croaked out.

A dangling lightbulb flicked on to reveal Jeff, who was sitting next to a large, red Siberian Husky, the muzzle of the dog was permanently smiling; revealing giant, human-like teeth.

Jeff stared at Slendy and said "Also, just for fun, I want you to know this," he stood and whispered to where Slendy's ear would have been "I. Killed. BEN."

Slendy tried his best to stand, but his arms were bound to a metal pole. "You son of a bitch. I'LL KILL YOU!!" Long black tendrils formed behind him and lashed out at Jeff.

Jeff slashed at the tendrils with his kitchen knife. He cut them clean off, only to see them grow back, like the branches of a tree. "Awww…I was kinda hoping you'd scream." He slashed again and again trying to cut them off permanently.

"Jeff, stop." the Husky croaked out "Don't you wanna at least know how we found you?" There were thundering steps coming from outside the room. The Husky jumped and wimpered at the door, then a black hand patted the dog's head.

"You did good. Jeff, make sure Smiles gets a finger or something." Said a familiar voice. The Husky, Smiles, left with Jeff. A heavy iron door closed behind them, then was locked and bolted. The man walked out from behind the wall, a green suit with a matching, olive green top hat rested atop his head. The man said to Slendy "You seem caught. Hehe. So, how's Jane been? Still as big a bitch as I remember?" He looked up, the blood dripping from his eyes instantly made Slendy's blood run cold.


"Ding ding ding! We have a winner!" He smiled and turned back to the door.

Slendy tried to throw himself at his former partner "I WENT TO YOUR FUNERAL! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"

BEN quickly jerked back to Slendy, his arm flew out and connected with Slendy's blank face. Slendy let out a low chuckle. "What the hell are you laughing at?"

There was a loud crash in the metal door, you could hear Jeff scream out "Oh, Fuck!!"

"To quote what you said to me back when you were a cop," Slendy said as they heard more bashes on the metal door "You shouldn't have done that."

Smiles was sent flying through the air, catching BEN's attention before hitting the wall with a meaty smack. A tall man came in, covered in large bright spots; a face was actually present on him, but only a smile and his eyes. He carried Jeff, throat clenched in one of his tendrils.

Slendy grabbed BEN with one of his own tendrils, he thrashed about, trying to loosen Slendy's grip but to no avail. He threw BEN against every wall, picking up splinters and stabbing them into his eyes. "I spent thirty years trying to find your killer. Thirty. Fucking. Years." He picked up Jeff's knife and stabbed it over and over again into BEN'S chest. Blood poured out of every wound, soaking Slendy's suit red. He threw BEN as hard as he could out the window, impaling him on a thick tree branch.

Three months after what has been named "The Jeffrey Woods Slaughter," Slendy stood before the chief.

"Chief, Jane Everlasting, I resign from my position." He said, placing his badge on the desk

"You're sure about this?" She asked, her black eyes actually showing worry.

"Yes, I should've quit while I was ahead. I didn't need to find out what BEN was really up to." He sighed and turned away, intent on leaving the place as soon as possible.

"At least stay long enough to see the new guy." She said right as the door opened.

A man in a solid black suit with a blue mask stepped in. "Hello, my name is Jack, most of my friends just call me Eyeless. I'm the new sheriff!"

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