Talk:Jeff the Killer Redux/@comment-25024572-20151209172535

I'm kind of torn on this story. On the one hand, there are some very good things about it. But on the other, there are some not so good things that bring it down.

Let's start with the good things. First, props to actually using the basic "Jeff the Killer" story to create a much better version of it. You actually integrated things that were originally stupid as hell (Liu randomly getting arrested, the birthday), and made them work. Kudos there. Liu is done very well, coming off as a very supportive, kind, and loving brother, Randy does have some character and development, and Jeff and Liu's parents are also written pretty well. In fact, out of the Woods family, the douchiest one is Jeff, but he does have a good reason for being on edge. Speaking of which, I do like the idea of a dead ghost hallucination/girlfriend. Especially a scene/emo one. I personoally found it clever and a tad funny, since a lot of JtK's fanbase is like that (which was most likely what you were going for). Also, having her be a sort of hallucination/moral compass of sorts, plus be a source of guilt and pain for Jeff, worked very well. Outside of characters, I really liked the opening. Rather than just have a newspaper article with a story from a small child with a pretty good vocabulary, it's just the actual event (I will admit, personally, that I'd prefer if the two characters from the beginning were referenced a bit later in the story. Maybe have the kid be Billy's little brother or something). And it's very well written. Actually, I mentioned Billy, and I'd like to say something else about him: I love how he was Jeff's age, has some connection to Jeff, and that he had some sort of personality.

So, there's a lot of good. But there's a bit that's not very good. Let's start with the bullies. I will give you some props for Randy, and the fact that the bullies have some backstory, but that doesn't excuse the cliche dialogue when they're first introduced. It honestly felt like it was ripped straight from the original story. Yes, they got better, but still. Also, speaking of not very good introductions, Jeff was a dick at the beginning. I was honestly hating him in the beginning. Granted, hate for Jeff isn't a new emotion for me, but I digress. Part of the reason I disliked him was, besides being mean to his loving brother and non-neglectful family, was that almost every sentence of his had profanity. Profanity is fine, but in moderation. Here, it felt like, at first, every sentence had to curse. And yes, I know teens talk like that, but it's still annoying. But, like most things in this story, it got better. I mentioned earlier that I did like how basically just really cleaned up the original story, keeping many of the plot beats. That being said, some of them were confusing. Liu being arrested, while leading to a good character moment for Jeff and actually sadness from the reader, was still a bit weird. It was much better explained here, but it just felt like a cheap way to get him out of the story. Also, Jeff's mom wanting to go to Billy's party both makes sense and doesn't make sense. On the one hand, it makes sense that she'd go to this party in order to try and forget her pain, and just put on a good face to everyone. On the other, she isn't portrayed as neglectful or anything like in the original, so it's a bit weird that she does make Jeff go to the party. There's a difference between punishment and dickishness, and I think she kind of misunderstood it. I also was a bit confused about why Jeff suddenly had boldfaced dialogue, with some capitalization (it's very sporadic). I know, it's to show when he's "the Killer," but is it because he was possessed by the ghost of his dead girlfriend? Because that's strecthing it a bit. Yes, I can buy that he's very pale, but I find ghost girlfriend a bit much. I honestly thought she was a hallucination. So...yeah.

All in all, I personally think it was a great story. Rather than shy away from the original story, you embraced it, and made something good out of it. While there are questionable decisions, and some annoying ones, it still managed to be not only a great rewrite, but a good story in and of itself.