Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25072731-20150408172654

I've been working on my characters origin story for a while but its just off still. On top of that I have a very hard time with grammar, spelling mostly due to dyslexia (not using it as an excuse, just putting it into prospective) Just any helpful advice or changes I should be made or even parts that don't make sense. Thank you for your time.

In the Past, Nathan had a normal childhood. He grew up in a great family with his maternal twin sister, Crystal. Unlike his sister, he has unique feature. A rare genetic condition called Heterochromia Iridum, meaning he has one blue eye and one green eye. Nathan and his sister were raised mostly by their Mother, Nathan’s Father, however, tried his best.

He was about 6 years old, when he noticed his father didn't give him the same amount of affection that he did with his sister. He was smart, had an easy time in school, while his sister was better at making friends. Often Nathan got teased for his appearance, he was quick to anger, and would get in a lot of fights that he didn't remember getting into.

This lead to a lot of arguments between his parents, they were quite about it but he knew they fought. One of the times, he sneak out of bed and listened to them. “You always take sympathy for him!” His father quietly screeches, trying to keep from waking them. “He’s just a kid, He’ll learn better.” His mother replies softly.

“You always say that! But DOES know better! He’s a smart kid! He just doesn’t want to behave!”

“You’re being too harsh!”

“No I’m not! He can’t keep doing this! Why can’t he be like his sister?! She sweet and calm, and doesn’t rebel like this! A normal kid.”

“He’ll grow…”

He heard enough and went to his room, not wanting to be caught out of bed. His thoughts turned slightly bitter and resentful towards his sister. The next few mornings, he refused to talk or play with her. It wasn’t until she kept pestering his about why, that he yelled at her. After he stopped his sister just stood there, his bitter feels quickly turned to guilt. He could feel his sister’s sorrow as if it was his own, he decided to turn his bitter feelings to his father; the one that planted the seed in the first place. Still, he bared some envy towards his sister.

Nathan loved and trusted his sister completely, partly because he believed she was incapable of doing any wrong. As their father seemed to imply she’s the good one and he’s the odd twin. He and his sister understood each other on a level that not all siblings get to, of course they had their ups and downs, as most siblings do.

By the age of 9, Nathan had distance himself from his parents. While they said they cared about him just as equally as his sister, it was clear that wasn’t the case. His grades may have been great, but he still continued to fight amongst his peers. He never bothered his sister at school, the last thing he wanted was to bug her or have the bullies focus to her. So, instead he just sat away from everyone at recess and used school as a distraction from social activities.

One night, his parents went out and the two of them were left with a babysitter. The sitter was annoying to him, all she did was talk on her phone. So he retired to his room to play, after much time past he got an unsettling feeling. Agitated, he left his room. He could hear faint sounds from the living room, this was followed by yelling.

When he turned the corner his sister was in a corner crying, the babysitter above her yelling. Her hand was raised to hit crystal, Nathan’s memory after that moment blacks out. According to his sister, he came running in and tackled down the sitter. The sitter caught off guard, tried to grab anything and ended up falling back into the T.V. stand. It knocked the T.V. off the stand onto her, luckily she only had a few cuts and a broken arm.

Upon investigation of the whole incident, followed by some therapy analysis, they found that he had an issue with anger to the point where he’ll black out and can’t control what he does. From this he become more recluse, and refused to partake in activates that are too stressful, or even just interact. When they got older, his father left with another woman leaving just them and his mother. His sister became popular, while he was known as the 'odd' twin; he didn't care though as long as his sister was happy and he didn’t have an “episode”.

One that day, Nathan got ready as per usual. He grabbed some grey pants, black shirt and his favorite black hoodie that his mom swore he always wore. He went downstairs and greeted his sister with a smile. She was wearing her favorite navy Jeans and the t-shirt Nathan bought her as a birthday gift last year.

"Morning Nat, I'm staying late at Drama today. Big rehearsal!" She explains, giving a warm smile. Nathan nods and pats his sister on her head. "Ok, I'll most likely be hanging out with Jeremy anyway, I’ll just pick you up when you're done. How long will it be?" He asks, he pulling on some combat boots.

"About 4: 00 o’clock or so." She replies

"Ok, cool.”

“Oh! I almost forgot! My friend Bell has a huge crush on you. She sooo shy about it too it funny.” She laughs, giving Nathan a poke. “She the one with red hair, right?” Nathan asks with a nonchalant tone. “Ooooo, you like her too? Huh huh? Maybe now you can forget Sara?!” she tease, giving a slight shove; He only replies with a roll of the eyes.

They walk to school together, and as they arrive, Nathan gets some of the normal looks he’s come to expect from people, in comparison to his cheerful sister. "Oh, did I tell you Dave asked me out?!" She chimes in with excitement, breaking his thoughts. "Hm? Oh No I don't think you did. That's cool, he's the one that's on the basketball team or something right?" Nathan asks, raising a brow. "No, he's the one that's on the swim team." She replies, jumping a bit. "Oh." He replies indifferently, stuffing his hands into his hoodie. "You don't mind if I date him?” She asks, trying to read his face. He laughs at the odd question "You know I don't care about that kind of stuff. As long as you don't get in trouble again." He laughs, giving her a small shove.

The day proceeds like most school days, his sister busy with friends, and club activities; Nathan on the other hand, tends to spend most of his time listening to music or being tucked away in the library with his friend, he likes to go somewhere that was quite rather than loud.

After school Nathan went on his way to meet his friend, but is blocked by a couple of guys. Nathan ignores them knowing they only want to try to insult him, as Nathan walked away he feels a soda can hit his back. He stops and silently stood there, hearing the attempted insults through his headphones, but responds to pick up the full can. He stands there for a moment contemplating possible scenarios that could happen, when he can see out of the corner of his eye one of the guys coming towards him.

Nathan calmly moves out of the way, letting the guy trip over his “own” feet to the ground. He gives an amused grin, seeing the guy pissed off. He holds the can above him, dropping it on the guy's face, letting gravity do all the work. As the guy freaks out over the pain, his buddy wasn't sure on whether to attack or to back away. “Nice try… tell your sister I said hi.” Nathan says with an amused grin, moving on. His buddy just standing there with stupid look on his face, not sure what to do.

“Hey, what took you so long?” His friend Jeremy calls out, Nathan shrugs in reply taking a seat on one the benches. “I can’t stay too long, I need to meet my sister at 4.” Nathan says, wrapping up his headphones. “Of course you do, why do you anyway? Always walking her home and shit, she’s already the center of attention and doesn’t need you around.” Jeremy asks, annoyance written on his face. “She maybe be aggravating at times, but she’s my sister, and the only one in my family that gets me.” Nathan scowls, his friend shrugging off the response.

At about 3:45pm Nathan walks back to the school, and waits outside the drama club room for his sister. Soon enough the club is dismissed, and everyone starts making their way home. Nathan greets his sister as she runs up to him. "How was drama today?" He asks as they began to make their way out of the school. "It was great, what did you do?" she asked, poking his arm. "Oh just some social experiments and Hung out for a while." He says then chuckles to himself.

She raises a brow, but shrugs it off with a smile. “You know, you don’t need to walk me home all the time.” She says, looking away from him. “I know, mom is still worried though… and… I guess I am too. You’re still recovering after all, last thing we want is for you to…well you know.” He mutters, pausing for a brief moment. “I know, I just feel like I’m sucking away your time.” She sighs, Nathan just chuckles and pats her head. “You’re crazy. Come on lets go.” He smiles, moving forward again.

As they made their way home along the same familiar road, Nathan notices a vehicle behind them. He didn't give it much thought though, but he still urges his sister to walk faster. He gets an unsettling feeling, he could feel his heart start to race; like if something was eating at him. He glances slightly to see the car in his peripheral, its red color slightly blinding him. They were nearly home, Nathan can hear a vehicle slowly approaching them; he gently grabbed his sister's arm pulling her closer. "Nathan? Are you ok? Are you having an episode?" She asked, looking at her brother with concern in her eyes, trying to read his mind.

"Just pick up the pace, let's get home. Ok?" He whispers, they were only about a few houses away. The car slowly pulls up closer and closer, the sound of the tires getting louder. Then it just passes them, Nathan sighs and scolding himself for acting paranoid. He slows down, letting go of his sister’s arm. “Are you ok?” She asks again, stopping in her tracks. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go.” He says sternly. “NO, you’re not. Tell me what has you all wound up.” She says, not moving from her spot. “It nothing, I just was getting paranoid.” He frowns, feeling like a child.

“See, that’s all you needed say. I thought you were having one of your black out moments again. I…..” Crystal stops, looking behind Nathan with a puzzling expression. “What’s wro…?” Nathan asks but as he turns, three men jump out of a van that was slowing down and had pull up behind Nathan. He pushes his sister behind him, glaring down the men. Nathan could feel his sister shake in behind him as she held onto the back of his hoodie. In a moment's notice they attacked, Nathan struggles to keep them away. He manages to get a few blows in, before being over powered; both he and his sister are dragged into the van quickly.

Nathan is held down on the van's floor and with a few punches is knocked out while the van dives off; his sister’s scream lingering in his mind. He wakes up in a dark, cold room. The room isn't too big, it looks like a rundown basement almost; there were broken pipes along the wall, the smell of rust, dirt and mold fills the room. Nathan slowly made his way into a sitting position, his still head pounding with every movement. He winces, noticing a door on the other side of the room; unlike the room it looks new and made of metal. He tries to collect his thoughts and recall what happened, but the sound of voices looks him away from those thoughts.

"How much do you think we can get with these two?" One man says.

"Don't know, but their family looks like they can afford it though." Said another.

"If not, at least we can sell them on the black market or something. Maybe just the girl that is if the other guys don't fuck her up too badly. The boy, we can just kill or something." The man somewhat laughs, Nathan barely hearing it.

"Yeah, true. Or sell him too, men sell more if you find the right buyer. Usually some manual labor factory, or drug cartels." the other man replies.

Nathan’s minds collects itself, with the realization of who the girl they spoke of was. He stands up with a stammer, his breathing becoming raspy and shallow. He hear them begin to unlock the door, quickly he searches for something to use as a weapon, but finds nothing. Instead he waits in a corner closest to the opening, then as the door opens up he lunges at the first man who comes in. "WHERE IS MY SISTER!" He yells, holding the man’s throat tightly to the hard, cold ground. His pulse beating against his hands, feeling himself losing to his anger.

*Smack!*

He barely feels something hit him over his head, knocking him off the man; Adrenaline numbing the blow. The guy hits him again, then is given a swift blow to his stomach. Nathan doubles over holding his stomach, "Fucking prick, let him rot in there." He hears one the guys say, a hint of pain in his voice. They slam the door shut and with a click, it lock. Footsteps slowly become inaudible, the only noise left being the drips of the pipes.

Nathan lays there in pain, the rush of adrenaline dying off, leaving his head and stomach screaming in pain. He ties to move, but is paralyzed by the mixture of physical misery. After a moment of rest he slowly gets up, lurching here and there. He shakes what pain remains to the back of his mind and stares down the door intensely. His skin crawled with anger, knowing his sister is being hurt while he’s locked away in the dark. He moves to the metal door, and slams his fists fiercely. "I must... I WILL get out!!!" He yells, kicking the door.

He continues to hit and kick the door repeatedly, over and over; trying to break it down. After many hours he couldn't keep it up any longer, sliding down to the floor in exhaustion. His body aches in pain, most so his head. He reaches up, and wipes off his forehead. When he brings down his hand, something dark is there. In the darkness it’s hard to tell, but there’s no doubt that its blood. Must have been from the blow earlier, but he didn't care. His sister is in pain, and he can't protect her from it.

Nathan attempts to rest, but the aching idea of his sister hurting by those men was enough to keep him from doing so. The sounds of the pipes dripping seem to echo, and become louder with every drop. He tries to block it out, only to hear a scream. This sparks his energy, he holds his breath; trying to listen for anything.

*Drip, Drip, Drip*

Nothing. Nothing at all, was it a figment of his imagination? A hallucination? He presses his ear to the door, still the only sound was the dripping from the pipe. He gets up and begins to pace; his breathing became harsh and shallow once more. He lets out another scream, slamming at the door again. His fist start to throb in pain, the skin of his knuckles starting rub away. Anger blinds him, pacing again like a crazed animal stuck in a cage.

*Drip, Drip, Drip*

Nathan wakes up feeling gorgy, his body aching and still exhausted from sleeping on a concrete floor. He winces when getting up, His hands swollen and scabby from the missing skin. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry sis, but don't worry… I'll get out and beat those fuckers” Nathan whispers to himself, a smile forming on his face; imagining them in tortuous agony. *Drip, Drip, Drip*

He grips his throat, looking around the barely lit room for something, anything at this point. A pipe is leaking somewhere, he follows the sound to a far corner; a dirty, rusty pipe the source of the sound. With some hesitation he stares at the pipe, changing his mind for a moment. His throat, however, made the final decision. He takes a sip the small water dripping out. It tasted awful, he spits the taste away; refusing anymore. "Last thing I need, I have to get out." Nathan murmurs to himself, turning back to the metal door, trying to think of any way to get it open.

*Drip, Drip, Drip*

His breathing grew heavy getting frustrated, finally he moves to and slams his body into the door. Not even a dent, he attempts again. When that doesn’t work, he hits it with frustration. His hand, however, didn’t agree with that idea; they’re too swallow to keep hitting it. He slams himself once again against the door, then kicks it. When he couldn't bring it down that way, he paces once again.

This continued for what seems like an eternity, his hands now just scrapped off flesh and bones from pounding at the door. Nathan huffs glaring at the unmoving door, he couldn't stay still any longer. The door stood there, taunting him the only thing keeping him from freedom. The room spins around, his body weak form the lack of essential needs.

*Drip, Drip, Drip*

"I'm…I'm going to kill them all…..Kill them…. MAKE THEM SUFFER! " Nathan yells, throwing a loss piece of concrete at the door; the echo of the metal ringed through the room. The sounds of dripping water sending chills up his spine, every second the two taunt him. Laughing at his misery, the sounds of screams filling his mind, but then he went silent so did they. Nothing, but a drip. More days seemed to pass him, and he slowly slips into the same cycle. Hunger getting the best of him, he was exhausted, but he didn't stop; in fact he couldn't stop. He hits head on the wall, "I'll kill them…." Nathan whispers and repeating over and over. He finally caved in, and drank more of the water; the taste now dwindling to nothing.

The dripping stops, he paces back and forth, over and over again. He could swear he hears screaming, her screaming for him; he could hear her voice speak to him. He begin to see the door opening up, but no only a hallucination. Nathan breaths heavily, like some rabid animal. The door screaming at him, finally with a twitch he yells out. He grabs on to one of the heavy, rusty pipes and pulls at it. It didn’t budge at first, until finally with a snap! It pulls away at one of the rusty hinges.

He stands silently at the door, it still swaying back and forth. Slowly, raises the heavy pipe, and with all his strength brings it down on the door. The door makes a twisted metallic sound, like it was screaming in agony. He grins, pulling the pipe back up. A small dent has been made, he laughs dryly; pleased by it. He brings the pipe down over and over again, with every hit a hope to free him and his sister. The door grows louder and louder with every hit, the metallic sound like screams of defeat. Every swing growing heavier, and with that Nathan only laughs harder. He stops to look over the dents on the door.

Nathan grins at the progress of the door, still standing there shaking. "It's time to die…." Nathan whispers, each word sliding off his tongue. Nathan raises the metal pipe high up again.

*CREAK*

He stands there, and looking at the dark metallic door that holds him there; the last hit making the door move away from the door frame. He brings down the pipe with great speed, finally the door break off its hinges. He manages to push through the heavy door, and the sounds of the door squeaking painfully loud as he steps though.

Nathan walks through the dark basement, easily finding the door through the darkness that his eyes are adjusted to. Feelings of hope of finally saving her, and leaving pulses through him. Finally he could go. He hears voices above him, on the other floor speaking. "Are you still on that?! Sorry but I had to kill her! The bitch went going crazy, bit off some of Portman’s hand." a man spoke, no remorse in his tone. "Yeah true, I was getting tired of seeing her face anyway, all bloody and shit it was gross. Oh, speaking of which, do you think that one punk is dead by now?" speaks another.

Nathan begin to shake, tears beginning to form in his eyes. He feels something cold his shoulder. "Yeah. I bet it's been like over a week. Doubt he’s breathing." the other man laughs. Nathan hears them make their way to the basement stairs, and slowly start to walk down still talking away; their voices a numbing buzz. "Nathan…..kill them...” he hears a voice call, “It’s too quiet… drip… drip… drip. ” He mumbles, barely audible. Nathan grips the pipe in his hand with a grin, the men open the basement door, not suspecting a thing too busy talking to each other.

Nathan swings down at the first man, a loud sickening crunch follows. The man falls down instantly from the blow, his metal way easier to break. The other man stands there in terror and shock as Nathan smiles. The pipe drips from the first man that fell over dead, " … I was told kill you too." He says, then laughs swinging the pipe down at the horrified man.

Thud, Thud, Thud.

Nathan continues to hit the man, making sure he suffers greatly with every blow. The man screams out in pain, until slowly he stops moving. No more noise, only the sound of dripping blood. He didn't move anymore, but Nathan still continues to land blows. He then made his way upstairs, quietly. He found the other two man on the upper floors, both busy with what they were doing that they didn’t hear a thing. After a struggle with the last man, Nathan finally made his way to his sister.

He opens a door and smiles, finally seeing her again. "Sorry it took so long…but I'm here now…." Nathan spoke softly, he making his way over to his sister's still life body. He didn't seem to notice her disfigurements or even blood, he was completely blocking it out that she laid there…rotting from death.

"Let's go Nat, there's more…." He hears her whisper softly to him, he grins so happy to be with his sister again. "Yes, let's go." He whispers, making his way down the stairs, then leaves the house. "I need to save you, to kill. That’s how it works... I’ll kill them sis.” he says with a grin, holding the bloody pipe tightly in one hand.

-(might cut this out)-

"It's s gruesome sight here on the neighborhood, about twelve houses were hit by the mass murderer. They found at one of the crime scene, Crystal Lux from the recent kidnapping was dead in the home. Four other men were also found beaten to death within the house, suspected to be the kidnappers." The reporter on the T.V. announced. "As for the Other Twin Nathan Lux, there's no sign of him in house. Police speculate the Nathan is the one involved with the massacre that fall on this neighborhood. Residents are urged to stay inside and make sure all doors and windows are locked. Police want to make sure Nathan is found, if you hear or see anything let the police know immediately."

"What do you think sis? Should I kill them now?...." 