User blog comment:GarfieldFan1997/I have a question for Squidmanescape!/@comment-5101683-20200116081304

Hello.

I'm very sorry for not responding sooner.

Before I get into the problem which all four of these stories share, I'm sorry that I've given you mixed messages by ghosting this site for months. I should have deleted these earlier so it didn't seem so out of the blue; I should have informed you as well.

Honestly, part of the problem is that you added a bunch of unnecessary categories. You're not supposed to make up your own categories. You're only supposed to use the ones in this list. Please remember this next time you put categories on a story.

As for the first story on your list, I deleted the first one because I was being overly harsh. The transition from sanity to madness isn't justified in any way other than a severe overreaction to the videogame. I deleted it because of that. But rethinking it, I realized thateven though that story could be improved, its inherent structure is good. The fact that the tape had real, tangible effects over time made this story far better than the other three, even though there wasn't an explanation why. So I decided to bring it back.

The last two in particular have really weak (downright vestigial) first-person storylines. In both "Charlie and Lola" and "South Park", the lost episode is basically the only aspect of the story, with the first-person account serving as fluff. Compare these two to the Dance Dance Revolution story. In that story, the protagonist went insane; something happened in real life and it was scary.

In the "Charlie and Lola" episode, the only things set in the real world are the part where the main character gets Charlie and Lola and the part where they say "Stay away from [the tape]!" I don't even know why that has a first-person narrator, except for the fact that the "Charlie and Lola" episode is incoherent and things happen for shock value. Why are they killing themselves? I don't know; it isn't explained. It makes me feel less invested in the characters because they feel like player characters in a videogame. This feeling of alienation is made worse by the fact that they're not even real people in the story; they're drawings, animated by someone whose story is definitely more interesting. When did they make this? Why did they make it? Who did they make it for?

You may realize that you kind of addressed questions like this in the "Thomas and Friends" story. This is probably the second-best of the ones in the list, after the one I undeleted. There's the beginning of a story behind the lost episode, hints of intrigue in the real world, and I appreciate it. I only wish there were more. This is the one I suggest spending more time on, because you've already planted the seed for a story about "David Mason".

The entire "South Park" story feels like a dream; let me give you an example of why. Near the end, Trey Parker says in the middle of the night that "the person who made the episode was a man from Iran which was later arrested for 10 accounts of murder and serious nuclear issues." That raises a lot of questions. How come all of the voices were basically normal? How come the creators of South Park were watching it? Why did this random person come in and watch it with them? What was the point of making this episode? What does "nuclear issues" mean? I hope you get the point; this could lead to an interesting story. But we don't get any answers; it's the end of the story. The main character, who didn't even obtain the tape this time, blathers on about why their name is private for some reason. Then it's done, like you wrote it all in one sitting without thinking about how even individual sentences fit together.

I like things about your writing. I like how you give your characters personalities. I like how you write paragraphs and put effort into your stories. The visuals in your lost episodes are inventive, like the skin peeling off of the townspeople in Sodor because of the atomic bomb, and I like that. But I like you as a person. You asked me to do this, and it makes me think you can write really well.

If you don't want to write about David Mason, that's fine, but if you do want you, I can give you the story. I feel like your effort fizzles out at a certain point (like in the "Thomas and Friends" story where the note ended really abruptly), and I hope you can power through that if you write another story.

Best wishes and happy writing, Squidmanescape