Talk:The Life of a Proxy, Part 3/@comment-1196539-20141003154106/@comment-1196539-20141003171104

"Tobi and Masky are both insane" would be one substitute of many. Still has that matter-of-fact punch without breaking character.

Most people's writing voice is much more formal than their speaking voice. As in, it's not the same language you would use when hanging out with friends. I think what happens a lot in your case is that you insert little pieces of speaking voice here and there when you read it to yourself and think it needs to be more realistic, like someone would actually sound. Which is good, you want to strive for realism. But that said, you should strive for the whole body to be in the same voice. If it's a speaking voice, make the whole thing conversational. It's noticeably out of place when you just include small pieces of conversational speech in an otherwise formal narration, or when you suddenly have some Shakespearean pontification in a conversation about the new burger joint in town.

Formal version: "But I'm not like them. Toby and Masky are both insane. They live to kill; they enjoy it. Me? I just do it to survive."

Informal version: "But I'm not like those two. Toby and Masky... they're both fucking crazy. I don't know what the hell runs through their minds on a daily basis, but it's obvious that they enjoy what they do. I'm just trying to survive."

The former portrays a calm, collected character. One who is biding his time, waiting for an opportunity to escape. The latter portrays one who is more distressed, unstable; fighting the thought that he may never escape.