Muffins

Pinkie Pie was in her cellar beneath the bakery, waiting for her victim to wake up. It had been about two weeks since she had killed Rainbow Dash, and so far no other close friends have had their number drawn. Currently strapped to the table was Candy Mane, but she was still passed out from the drugged cupcake Pinkie had given her.

Suddenly, there was the sound of the cellar door opening and a rapid sound of heavy hoof steps. Pinkie Pie turned around quickly, frightened; she wasn't sure if she could do two ponies at once. The pony tripped on the last stair and landed on the floor with an "oof!" She looked up, her crossed yellow eyes looking over at Pinkie Pie.

"Hi Pinkie!" said Derpy happily. Pinkie Pie was a little nervous, but she knew she could handle it.

"Hey Derpy," she said with a smile. "Did you need something?"

"You weren't up there so I came looking for you!" said the grey pegasus. "I wanted to ask if you could make some muffins!" Pinkie looked at Candy Mane to see her stirring.

"Well, I was planning on making cupcakes today... but..." She paused, thinking. She knew Derpy wasn't stupid, persay, but she wasn't exactly like the other ponies. She seemed to be a bit mentally challenged, but she was sweet nonetheless. Pinkie didn't want to take advantage of Derpy's childlike mind, but she was having an idea that might actually be good...

"Derpy," said Pinkie Pie with her usual bright smile. "Wanna help me make your muffins?"

"Oh yes! Yes!" said Derpy, bouncing up and down.

"Okay, but you gotta promise me something," said Pinkie.

"Anything!" Derpy replied.

"Don't tell anypony about my secret ingredient."

"What's your secret ingredient?" Then, as if on cue, Candy Mane became fully conscious.

"W... where am I...?" she said drearily. Pinkie Pie led Derpy to the table.

"Well, you see, everypony in Ponyville has a number, and when that number is drawn, I go get the pony," she explained. Candy Mane struggled against her bindings, but was listening to the conversation instead of inquiring about her capture.

"So everypony has your secret ingredient?" asked Derpy.

"Yes," said Pinkie. "But we need to get it out of them first! But baking is fun, so we play a little bit before harvesting!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Candy Mane said loudly, and the two other ponies looked at her. "Why am I tied up? What do you mean harvesting?!" Pinkie giggled, unable to contain her excitement.

"Candy, today is a special day for you!" squeaked Pinkie Pie, and Derpy began to giggle with anticipation, excited about this new event. "You're gonna help me and Derpy make muffins! We were gonna make cupcakes, but Derpy likes muffins better, don't you Derpy?"

"I do! I do!" said Derpy, hopping again.

"How can I help if I'm tied up?" asked Candy Mane with an angry expression.

"Oh, that's the most important part!" said Pinkie Pie happily. "We need you to stay still!" Candy Mane started looking around the room. Pinkie's party decorations were pony inards and hide, and there were brightly painted pony skulls on shelves and in the center of a table. "LIFE IS A PARTY!" was written on a banner in what looked like dried blood. Then... she noticed the stuffed Rainbow Dash.

"What the hell is going on?!?" Candy screamed, which made Derpy flinch.

"Pinkie, I don't think she wants to be here," she said a little shakily.

"But Derpy, her number was pulled," she replied. "We have to. It'll be fun! Trust me! I've been doing this for a long time, and after this we can make your muffins!" The smile returned to Derpy's face.

"Oh yea! Okay, I'm ready!" said Derpy as Candy Mane began to panic and struggle wildly. "What do we do?"

"Well, I like to save the cutie marks, so..." Pinkie pulled a scalpel off of her metal stand that held her tools. "Watch carefully, Derpy." Derpy came closer, watching as Pinkie carved a circle around Candy's cutie mark. She screamed and cried, trying to break her bindings, but it was no use. Then Pinkie Pie dug the scalpel under the skin to slice it away from the muscle. "See?" she said, holding up the patch of skin in front of Derpy.

"Can I do the next one?" asked Derpy.

"Of course!" said Pinkie, delighted. "But be careful not to cut yourself Derpy, and try not to cut the cutie mark. We want it to still be nice and pretty." Derpy took the scalpel and held it up to Candy Mane's other flank.

"No, Derpy please, no!" she begged, sobbing. Derpy shakily pierced Candy's hide and carved a very messy circle around the mark. It did the job, though. Pinkie clapped her hooves together, cheering.

"You got your first cutie mark!" she cried. "You can keep it if you want!"

"Really? No fooling?" asked Derpy, smiling broadly. She tucked the cutie mark under her wing for safe keeping. "Now what do we do?"

"Now we have some fun!" said Pinkie. "We can do anything we want to her. What do you think we should do, Derpy?" Derpy thought for a moment, and then gave a great hop.

"Can we take away her legs?" she asked happily. Candy wailed again, trying to call for help as tears ran down her face.

"Yes! That's a great idea!" Pinkie Pie grabbed her hacksaw, which was still stained with Rainbow Dash's blood. "Hey Derpy, maybe you can answer this. Why do they call it a hacksaw if it doesn't hack?"

"Um..." said Derpy, nervously shuffling her front hooves. "Maybe... maybe you can also hack with it!" Pinkie laughed.

"I never thought of that! Wanna give it a try?" Derpy took the hacksaw and trotted closer to Candy Mane.

"Listen, Derpy..." she pleaded. "Killing ponies isn't good! It's bad! Please don't hurt me anymore!"

"But we need the special ingredient or else Pinkie Pie's muffins won't be as tasty!" Derpy chirped. She leveled the hacksaw right above Candy's left knee, then pulled back her arm, and swung the saw. It broke the skin just a bit, and Candy Mane screamed again.

"Keep trying, Derpy!" Pinkie Pie encouraged. Derpy began to hack at Candy's leg violently with all of her strength. Over the Earth pony's screeches, Derpy was laughing giddily.

"This is fun!" she cried. However, when she got to the bone, she couldn't hack anymore. "Pinkie Pie, it won't go through!"

"We might have to actually use the saw part now," Pinkie replied.

"Please stop! Please stop!!" Candy Mane bellowed. Derpy began sawing through the bone, and Candy Mane's eyes widened, the excruciating pain overwhelming her.

"Oh no," said Pinkie. "I think she's about to faint." Derpy sawed her way through the bone, and the severed leg lay limp, still strapped to the table. Candy was hyperventilating now. "Here, let me do the other one." Derpy handed the hacksaw to Pinkie, and she made quick work of Candy's other leg. She was feeling dizzy, her vision swimming.

"Pinkie, I think she's sleepy," said Derpy. Pinkie Pie pulled the detatched legs from the straps and threw them aside.

"I can fix that!" Pinkie Pie jabbed a needle into Candy Mane and injected a shot of adrenaline into her. She gasped, breathing hard and continuing to sob.

"Pinkie, please..." she said weakly.

"Derpy, wanna see what an eyeball feels like?" said Pinkie, and Derpy nodded excitedly. Pinkie pie took her scalpel again, along with a spoon, and got closer to Candy Mane's face.

"No, please NO!" With another blood curdling scream, she felt the scalpel cut the membrane holding her eye in her socket. Pinkie then took the spoon and carefully scooped out the slimy ball, slicing the optic nerve. She brought the bloody eyeball to Derpy, who nudged it onto her nose, smiling.

"Ew! It's all gooey!" she giggled. "Can I play with the other one?"

"No, we want Candy to see everything until she has to go," Pinkie replied.

"Okay!" She dropped the eyeball to the floor, rolling it with her hoof before stomping on it with a cry of joy. Pinkie Pie took one of her knives and set it in a pot of burning coal that was heating up some nails.

"We're going to heat this knife up," she explained to Derpy. "And then it will be hot enough to make marks on her hide. Do you like drawing, Derpy?"

"Yea! Yea!" Derpy ran in a small circle, then trotted up next to Pinkie. Candy Mane wasn't screaming or struggling anymore, just simply sobbing, her empty eye socket spilling blood infused tears. After a few moments, Pinkie Pie handed Derpy the hot knife.

"Careful, it's hot!" she warned.

"I know exactly what to draw!" Derpy cried, and touched the tip of the tool to Candy's chest. She tried screaming, but her voice was hoarse and cracked when she tried to make a sound. Derpy took her time drawing her masterpiece, and even had to reheat the knife a couple times. When she was done, it was a very messy stick pony with curly hair.

"Aw, is that me?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Yea!" said Derpy. "Cause you're my bestest friend!" Pinkie's lip trembled, and she hugged Derpy tightly. She really was such a sweet pony.

"Okay Derpy, I know we haven't played for very long, but I bet you want your muffins, huh?"

"Yea!" She handed Derpy the scalpel once more, and then traced a line on Candy Mane's abdomen with her hoof, showing where to cut.

"You're going to cut her open, but first I'm going to numb her," Pinkie Pie explained, and she gave Candy another shot of something. After a few minutes, Pinkie gave the okay to Derpy, who began carefully cutting open Candy Mane's belly. Her hooves were shakey, but she bit her tongue with concentration as she tried to keep the scalpel steady. Candy Mane watched in horror. She couldn't feel it, but it made her sick to see he own body being cut open.

"Now what?" asked Derpy.

"Now, start pulling out whatever squishy thing you see and toss it into this bucket!" Pinkie replied. "I usually try to make jokes to entertain our guest, but you can do whatever you want!" Derpy smiled and chose an organ. It was Candy's liver. Derpy tugged hard, finally managing to rip it away, then held it up for Candy Mane to see.

"Look, Candy! It's a Lively Liver!" she said, and Pinkie giggled. Then Derpy pulled out the kidney. "Kind Kidney loves to go with Lively Liver to her house and play!" She tossed the two organs into the bucket. "But Sad Stomach is very sad because he never gets invited. But it's okay, cause Bad Bladder will go with him to crash the party! Playful Pancreas hears their plan and tries to stop them with the help of Silly Spleen, and they go to warn the others. The Intestine Twins go over too to try and bring peace to them! They don't like fighting. Then Laughing Lungs comes over to see what all the fuss is about! Sad Stomach and Bad Bladder argue with everyone until they get a call from Helpful Heart..." Derpy grabs the still beating heart, but doesn't pull it out yet.

"She says, 'don't fight! We should all be friends and play nicely together!' And then everyone makes up and has a good time..." She pulled the heart out, and Candy slowly began to fade. "The end!" Pinkie Pie clapped enthusiastically.

"That was great, Derpy!" she cheered.

"Now what?" asked Derpy.

"Now we gotta skin her and pull her bones apart. It gets a little annoying, but it feels great when we're finally done!" Together they began cutting up the remains of Candy Mane.

A little while later, Pinkie Pie took the tray of muffins from the oven and set them on the table in front of Derpy and Apple Bloom.

"Wow, Ms. Pinkie!" said Apple Bloom, taking a warm, fluffy muffin. "These look great!" They started eating the muffins, and Derpy giggled.

"How are they, Derpy?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"They are great! Better than any muffin ever!" she exclaimed. "Can I help you bake more often?"

"Of course!" said Pinkie.

"Just be sure to keep our special ingredient secret," said Apple Bloom.

"Okay!" said Derpy, and she helped herself to another muffin.

Credited to ReitannaSeishin