User blog:Fatal Disease/Another Inactivity Notice

In the past few months, I haven't been entirely myself. Not the Trollpasta admin Fatal, or the fourth bureaucrat on the Spinpasta wiki. I have not been the person that you have all known and cared for. From April, I have been constantly angry after a demotion, and took on my rage by isolating myself from my family and taking it out on everyone, possibly myself.

In May I had experienced a downfall. It was something that I had said to demote myself for, but couldn't do it because it was a stupid reason to do it. During and after that month, I had signed up for a site that I had abandoned back in 2012 because I was a desperate piece of shit. I had met someone on the site, and had went to the mall with this person. The mall meet was originally supposed to allow me to meet new people. Rather than hanging out for 10-20 minutes, we had hung out for the whole hour that we had spent. Then I had made an excuse that I had Social Anxiety Disorder. I even did show signs of it; I was unhappy, was in constant fear, and had panicked numerous of times. I only had asked my mom to get help for this once, but she had put it off on me getting a job. After some complaining, and trying to start numerous of conversations with the friend, the friend had blocked me on the social networking site. And that was when I realized that I had deep emotions for the person, but it was too late for me to say anything. I had asked my mother again, which resulted in a fight. She wouldn't want her boy to be in a "mental hospital" for SAD, said that the person who was helping me at the time was the cause for all of this issue, and after I yelled at her saying it was not she had threaten to break my neck. That was the cause of the first inactivity blog, because I was supposed to be limited on my computer time.

After that experience, I had dragged myself down to hate myself even farther. This time, finally taking it out on my family. I didn't show any signs of happiness when I went around with them, I had been lippy and mean towards my family because they wouldn't allow me to go anywhere or do anything that I wanted to do by myself. The first time I showed unhappiness and this meanness was when my mother tried to fix the blanket that I was wearing at a baseball game, and I had shown signs of restraint because I didn't want to be mothered. After I while, we had went to the Cheap Trick/Boston concert. She had said that I showed signs of this. After hearing her say that I began to have more panic attacks and I had died a little that day. Before the day of the Stars and Stripes Festival, I had eliminated all of my fears of being social and decided to eliminate the fear and strike a conversation with someone. Did that work out so well? No. Even if my parents weren't around, I wouldn't be able to strike up a conversation with someone even if I had wanted to.

After that festival, I had slowly became to the bitter person that I was back in late May - Early June, but worse than what I was. I had started I had banned a user, because I was just concerned about his behavior. After doing that, I had been harassed offsite and was a target for insults by the group chat. One message, which a user had said that everyone talked behind my back, and wished pain and death for me, made me cry. At that point, I wanted to give up on life. But I didn't. Then I had done something that was a miscommunication, and that was DA LIZT. It was a user blacklist; didn't allow certain users to come on to the SPWC, and was banned immediately after arrival. After that incident, I had began to be more assaulted off-site. I had been labeled as a mentally handicapped person over on the site. Although it didn't make me sad like the user's message, it had made me more mad.

Due to the past few days, I had started omitting myself from most of my family activity (other than concerts, and playing the game with my dad and uncle), had numerous of panic attacks, tried to slowly kill myself by binge eating and drinking, went to bed around the times that I would wake up to study for a test/go to school, and had attempted to make myself bleed twice by sink plug.

But what about the pain in my chest? All of the pain that I had experienced, other than the insults, were about the stuff that had happened in May. After I had tried to get rid of this feeling, I cannot get rid of this feeling towards one person. There were times that the pain wasn't there and I was happy on the outside, I was never really happy on the inside. I always feel like something was missing. And I can't go back and fix those mistakes that I had and be happy completely, but can't. I even had tried to, but can't. There were times that it stayed away, but the whole thing is like an STD to me. It goes away for a few days, but it stays for good.

As much as I do not want to leave for this temporal time, because I do not want to leave the job that I care so much deeply, the feeling of mistakes had eaten my soul. After numerous of complaints, I had given one user three options. And one of the options that the user had chose for the best of me was this option:

I revoke my rights, or have them be revoked by another active bureaucrat. I want to be insured that I will get my rights back after I come back. I don't want to be slapped on the ass and said "You requested it, start your shit fresh." I don't want to trace my steps back from rollback, and all the way up to bureaucrat/admin.

Will this cure my pain? I have high hopes, but I do know that it'll relieve all of the stress that I had suddenly got from this site. See you all when I get unblocked!