Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24776950-20170720091722/@comment-32461413-20170722235657

Skyrim90000 wrote:

AViciousRainbow wrote: I really enjoy the suspense that you employed in your story.

I would think of ways to spice up your diction choices. Some words like "walk" and "scream" among others, are used quite often. Try to come up with some more descriptive and stronger words. This will make your writing more clear and get rid of some redundancies.

Moaning in pain is used twice, I think you should only use it once.

I also found a few grammar issues. "Due to an issue with his boss he had to stay later then usual" is an example of a missing comma. Look for places where a pause would be needed. You also have a few capitalization errors. '“no (No), what did I do?"

Some things need to be rearranged. "Alex asked in a shy voice, 'Who are you?”' should actually be "'Who are you?' Alex asked in a shy voice" there are also other places that need this.

I think the extended "aaaaaaa" and the "nooooooooooo" are in bad taste. They sound a bit cartoony, and to be honest, everytime I see the "nooooooo" I think of this video with Darth Vader. I would suggest removing those bits all together as they detract from the story.

I think in some areas you should make it more clear what is happening. "“no (sic), what did I do? No, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” I feel that this line needs more description. I get that he is sinking in quick sand, but you should make that more clear here. I don't really get the impression that he is sinking, rather he is just screaming.

"Wtf" should also be removed. I find it hilarious that it is in here, but the acryonym is a bit jarring. It also isn't connected to Alex's thoughts either.

I think the whole "it was just a dream" is cliche. I think you could cut off that whole last paragraph and still be fine.

Overall, I think you have something here. I quite enjoy the story, and I especially like the inclusion of the police. In most stories, the police don't actually do anything. Thanks, I did a twist at the end but is it better without it?

Yeah, I think the twist is cliche. Simply put, there are many stories that end with "it was just a dream."

Say if the twist was an essential part of the story, it would be fine. For example if there were more to the story and your story so far was just a small part of a much larger one with many dreams and an actual encounter with Slenderman. Or perhaps if the fact that it was a dream was further integrated into the story that it serves a crucial role, it would be fine. As it sits, you could completely take that whole ending part out and it wouldn't change a thing.