User blog comment:Heavy On Fire/Earlier works/@comment-14994150-20140209133036

Some of your earlier works were pretty interesting.

However, the problem I see in them is that you seen to not take pasta writing seriously.

I've saw many of your pastas with (For the lulz), (lol) and other stuff.

These take you out of the atmosphere, and speaking of which.

The soundtrack you use need to be according to what's going on and also, for grimdarkfics atleast, they be a little deep and say, and the soundtrack you used from Pokémon, Paper Mario and other stuff, aren't deep.

When you write a pasta, your pasta needs to be atmospheric and most important of all, interesting.

The lack of detail in some of your earlier darkfics were notable, it was just, in a nutshell, "Crimson killed this pony with and then went for the other one".

And also, it needs a good plot.

I'm not saying your pastas have a bad plot, but they aren't good either.

Hell, I can say even the original Breath has a little of a plot in the middle of all the "KILL! KILL!"

Also, to someone love a character, the character needs to have a defined personality.

Cold, angry, depressed and etc.

And if you want your character to be a crazy psychopath rapist or whatever, you need to think like how a psycho thinks, and see the world how a psychopath see.

How do you think he will kill his victim? How will he torture his victim? Will he be a brutal psychopath or a charming one? Will be a rapist? And various other things.

And my favorite part, desgin.

Skyblack's desgin was taken directly from my head, however, I noticed that, actually, are many other fanmade ponies made by bronies that are like him.

Black coat, white mane.

Fun fact: Skyblack's mane was actually supposed to be gray, but since I'm a dumbfuck, I letted it be white accidentally.

And well, Crimson's desgin I'll say that he is pretty cool, only thing I want you to note is that you used a female face form for Crimson.

Mares have round muzzles, and stallions have straight muzzles.

So, I think you might want to fix that.

But well, for desgin now.

A psychopath's desgin needs to be creative, badass and intimidating.

Here's an image of Skyblack.



See a cool effect I did by moving his eye and making it look like he's staring at us?

Well, I'll be honest, if I saw something like this in the dark I would've ran.

Same thing goes for Crimson.

Thing is, again, we don't know how Crimson kills his victims because of lack of detail.

Skyblack's kills are detailed however, and that gives an example of how brutal he is, which means, we know what he does.

And we know what he will do to you if he ever gets a hold of you (thankfully, this will never happen).

So, it's no use making an intimidating and badass desgin and not detailing how Crimson kills, people won't take him serious since you don't know what the hell is he doing with those ponies.

So, in the end, your works are okay so far, but they need a bit more of polishing.

Sorry if I offended you in any way with this post.