Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat: "On the Ground"

Does anybody remember the show Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat? You don't? Well, you can go blow yourself. Anyways, it was a short-lived PBS Kids show about siamese cats who wrote with their tails. I'm here to talk about a lost episode of the series.

I was at a local antique store in my middle-of-nowhere Massachusetts town. I was looking for vinyl records and old musical instruments when suddenly I saw a VHS tape smack dab next to one of the vinyl crates. I picked it up and saw it had writing on it saying "SAGWA". I was surprised and excited at the same time, since I love Sagwa. When I went to the checkout to make my purchase, which consisted of the tape and a Devo record, the checkout lady, a hippie friend from Best Buddies at my high school, noticed the tape. She said that she knew I was gonna buy it since I loved Sagwa like she was a real-life god. She also stated that the person who sold it to the store was a retired daycare employee, and she seemed very happy to see that tape over with.

So as I arrived home, I got my VCR out and hooked it up to my unfitting widescreen TV. I slammed the tape in, and when I pressed PLAY on the tape, it showed static for about 12 seconds. After I counted to myself, the tape showed 5 seconds of some footage from the C.A.R.E. channel before cutting, thanks to a tape-over, to a New Hampshire Public Television ident. Then, it showed a "Next on Sagwa" thing but it was just a black screen with nothing there, all that was said was Dongwa saying "Next on Sagwa!". Then the funding credits played, strangely without sound, and then the intro played as normal, except for suddenly as the Sleeve Dog hits the screen and the intro transitions to the Cook, the music changed from the iconic theme to a weird 1980s' breakdance beat with some Harlem-sounding guy rapping about China and siamese cats. It also cut to footage from the Breakin '  movies a couple times. I wondered what the hell was going on, but then forgot that it was strange and continued watching. As the intro faded out after the creators' credit came up, I noticed something strange happened to Amy Tan's name as it faded out. I rewinded and then used the still frame and saw that her name had changed to Jeff the Killer! I was shocked, but then pressed play again, figuring out in my head that this was just a gag inserted by a bored production member. Then there was black screen for 5 seconds, and then a birds-eye view of the village appeared with the title on screen being "On the Ground". I wondered what this meant, maybe the episode was Fu Fu-centric.

It then cut to Sagwa goofing around in the garden with Dongwa and Sheegwa. The Sleeve Dogs appear and gave chase to the cats. Suddenly, Sheegwa passed out and fell down. Everybody stopped and looked at her. Dongwa yelled "SHEEGWA! ARE YOU OKAY?" at the top of his lungs, but no response came. Suddenly, Sheegwa coughed up her own blood. I was shocked that this episode made it to air!

Then it cut to a funeral for Sheegwa, all of the animals were crying and Mama Miao was shown to be in huge distress. Suddenly, the episode cut to black. Then, a "What About You?" segment played, but only Fu-Fu was there. He was talking about... gambling. This was strange even for a kids' show, and this felt like something that could have belonged in a Dingo Pictures mockbuster!

Then the episode cut to black again, and then I saw Dongwa in the palace. He walked up to Nai-Nai, who had a very giddy face on. She then said "Oh Dongwa... you remind me of a old lover I had before Yeh-Yeh... and myself too..." She then took off her yarn pin hat... thing to reveal she had Dongwa's hair too! She then lifted up her tail.

"Come on Dongwa... you know you want to do it..."

It then showed Dongwa and Nai-Nai having sex. I was grossed out, but I did not come close to vomiting, since I admit to being a Rule 34 kind of person. After Dongwa came inside Nai-Nai, Yeh-Yeh bursted in. He was shocked to see his wife having sex with their own grandson.

"What the hell are you doing?" Yeh-Yeh yelled at Nai-Nai.

Nai-Nai went up to Yeh-Yeh and pulled him, cartoon housewife-style, over to Dongwa. Yeh-Yeh was rolled over, and then I saw it.

Yeh-Yeh had a vagina! He was born female! This... was no longer kid-friendly in my mind to see Dongwa and his grandparents having sex!

Dongwa and Nai-Nai then began taking turns in making Yeh-Yeh melt down into a orgasming mess of cum and pussy juices. I almost vomited, but then the scene changed again to the garden.

Sagwa was all alone, playing by herself. Suddenly, the Sleeve Dogs appeared again. She then looked at them angrily... she looked mad. She made angry noises... and then suddenly, she ran over to the Sleeve Dogs screaming, and all of a sudden... she leg-dropped the middle Sleeve Dog, the one with the red bows in her hair, and then she took three steps back. She then ripped off her Miao family collar to reveal... a identical collar which was all black with no patterns and had the nWo logo in white on it!

"What the hell, why is there wrestling involved now?" I thought. Sagwa then raised her paw in the air and yelled "Too sweet!"

Sagwa then delivered a long winded speech: "Well the first thing you gotta realize is that this is the future of PBS Kids. You can call this the New Miao Order of Calligraphy brother! Well let me know you something. I made Amy Tan popular with everyone beyond The Joy Luck Club. I made publisher execs rich up there and when it call came to pass my melon head name, I got bigger than the whole organization brother. And then PBS came calling amigo. They, some Montreal goons, and Sesame Workshop wanted to talk turkey with Sagwa. Well they promised me a cartoon, they promised me millions of dollars, and they promised me toys. As far as PBS goes, as far as Sesame Workshop and CineGroupe goes I’m bored brother! Because if it wasn’t for Sagwa you people couldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for Sagwa, Gretchen Schields wouldn't be doing that jewelry crap. If it wasn’t for Sagwa, all of these johnny-come-latelys that you see everyday on PBS wouldn’t be here. I was being rented-into-the-ground at libraries while the Zoomers were bumming candy in order to get the energy they need for their stupid show. The Magistrate, PBS, and the fans can stick it brother!"

It then cut to a montage of kids booing and people throwing Sagwa merchandise into the trash. Then it cut to a black screen with white text reading "SAGWA IS SCHEDULED TO TEAM UP WITH BUFF BAGWELL TO TAKE ON CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG AND THE REAL STING!" Then it cut straight to the credits, no PBS website promo or anything. Then the silent funding credits played again, and then the tape cut to static and stopped.

After the tape rewound itself and ejected, I called show production members, and they had the same reply, they didn't know what the hell I was talking about. So I mailed Sesame Workshop, and they sent back with a letter saying:

"Dear [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD], what you saw was an unauthorized airing of a unaired episode which was not intended for broadcast. This was intended as the series finale, but didn't test well with executives or test audiences.

Sincerely yours, Sesame Workshop Staff"

I still like Sagwa, but this has hampered my experience as a fan of it.