Holder of the Bath

Hm?

You're interested in my Object?

Why? I don't have it anymore. The fact that you have encountered a Holder without having go through the stereotypical 'eternal madness' or 'fate worse than anything hell could give you' traps should be a sign that He took it and I didn't feel the need to maintain my domain.

Seriously, Seeker, you think that finding the five-hundred and thirty-eight that are left would be traumatic enough.

...Oh, very well. If you're that curious, I can tell you about what the path to my object was like.

In any bathhouse in any part of Japan, you would have had to go up to the attendant and pay the usual fee for entry. You also could have bought whatever else you needed, be it a washcloth, towel, shampoo, whatever. One thing you HAD to buy, however, was two ice creams. When you buy the ice creams, you have to ask the attendant for whatever kind that the Holder of the Bath likes.

If the attendant gave you a confused look, asked you again what kind you wanted, or acted like he or she thought you were a weirdo, or enforce a policy of not letting foreign customers in (if you're not native to Japan), then you had gone to the wrong bathhouse. Nothing bad would have happened to you, but you'd have to try again.

If the attendant suddenly seemed very afraid, then you'd come to the right place. He or she would have given you two random ice creams. One would be your personal favorite, a gesture of pity, which you would have been free to eat right then and there. A last treat before you potentially die a horrible death, if you're lucky.

The other you'd need later.

At this point, you'd need to enter the bathhouse proper, but go through the door the OPPOSITE gender of what you are. A male would have to go through the women's door, and vice versa. The bathing area would seem ten times as large as it would be normally, all the baths having beautiful men or women in them, looking very interested in you. At this point you would have had to follow the usual etiquette for bathhouses before you got in the bath, because if you didn't, the bathers would have gotten out of their baths and literally scrubbed your skin off. With rock salt.

I despise when people don't follow proper etiquette.

After going through the usual etiquette for preparing for a Japanese bath, you would have had to start walking through the baths looking for my primary guardian. The other bathers, whom I deliberately made to be tremendously attractive by human standards, would start trying to seduce you to join them in the baths. This was another trap, as if you decided to join them you would have been dragged down underwater, the baths becoming impossibly deep, and learned what its like to drown forever in depths that would normally crush a man into pulp.

No, the best thing to do would have been to keep going without stopping, for my seducers are quite eager to have you and will grab you if you dally. Keep going until you found my primary guardian, who will look quite out of place. He or she (again, the form will be the opposite gender of the Seeker coming to visit) will be vastly different from the others. He or she will be heavily obese, messily eating some large sandwich, and a different nationality than the other bathers. The water the guardian will be bathing in will be disgusting, looking and smelling more like sewage.

At this point, you still would have had a chance to leave. Behind the guardian would be a single, empty bath full of sparkling clean water. If you wanted to leave, then you would simply have to sit in the empty bath, close your eyes, and go underwater until your breath gives out. You would find yourself in the bathtub in your home (or nearest friend's house, if you only have a shower at your home), with the second ice cream nearby.

If you had the metaphorical balls to stay, then you would have had to ask to join my primary guardian in the tub. He or she will rudely dismiss you at first. Try again, and you'd be dismissed again, this time with a crude sexual insult. Offer him or her the ice cream on the third time (and the third time ONLY), and the guardian will consent. At this point you would have been allowed to get into the bath with my primary guardian. You would have had to show no disgust at the water, and act as if you were getting into a nice, relaxing hot tub, and immerse yourself up to the chin. Any sign of disgust and you would have become the guardian's next meal, soon after to become part of the filth in the water.

My primary guardian would then start talking, casual banter. It could have been on anything. Sports, national politics, celebrities, video games, anything at all. It would have been in your best interest to act as interested as possible, because if the guardian becomes offended...

...well, you're not actively Seeking my Object now. I see no reason to trouble you with it. Suffice to say you would have seen what he or she REALLY looked like before your eternal torment began.

Midway through the conversation the water will start getting hotter, the smell getting worse and worse. Showing any disgust during this point, and you would have regretted it. Keep listening to the guardian, and keep acting interested. Try not to lose consciousness as well, as you would have sunk into the filthy water and become a part of it forever, as other Seekers did before you.

When my guardian started talking about romance (and ONLY when romance is the topic), at this point it was very important that you interrupted him or her, asking if the water seems too hot. The guardian will disagree. The ONLY correct thing to say at that point was this: "Well, it is for me. I'm greatly enjoying your company, but it's hard to focus on what you're saying."

If the guardian looks amused, then he or she didn't believe you and will consume you right then and there. If the guardian blushes, then he or she would have pointed out my office, through a door on a wall that wasn't there before. Get up and go through the door without bothering to cover up or wipe off the filth. You would have needed it. You would have found me at my desk, writing various reports in the Language. Nothing you do would have gotten my attention except for grabbing me in the face and smearing the filth on me.

...Yes, I know. But when I became the Holder, I was told to ignore any Seeker unless they did that.

...Who told me?

...Heh. Bring the Objects together and you'll find out.

Anyway... Once you got my attention (and I clean my face off), I would have asked you what you wanted. Any response that wasn't "Will anyone feel clean again after they are brought together?" would have resulted in the filth covering you to become corrosive, your death slow and agonizing.

Ask the right question and I would have let you use the shower in my office to clean up. As you are cleaning up, I would have given the answer to your question. It will be simple, concise, and to the point, and has left many Seekers feeling unclean for the rest of their lives. Afterwards I will say that the water in the tub you are in has been fixed. Go back and join my guardian again, only this time the water will be clean and the guardian will have taken a form you find appealing. Join him or her in the tub again. The guardian now respects your courage, and will not harm you. At this point you could talk about whatever you like, flirt with him or her, do whatever you like that will be enjoyable. Just stay in the water with him or her (barring any physical needs, such as trips to the bathroom) until the sun sets and rises, as my seducers are still interested in you. Once the sun rises, I would have come out again and asked you to leave. The guardian would leave at this point as well. I would have thanked you for your patronage and given you a small key.

That key is my object, Object 1069 of 2538. With it, you would have been able to rent any hotel or motel room that isn't related to a Holder quest for free, and hold full mental control over all members of that hotel's staff.

Yes, you could have used it for THAT as well. Not that it matters, since He took it.

Why do you want to know this, Seeker? My Object is long gone. All I want to do now is watch and wait for them to be brought together.

...Hm?

A website?

There's a collection of stories depicting the instructions for the Objects on them?

Interesting. How many of the Lost Objects are listed there?

...I wonder what would happen if the instructions for gaining all 2538 Objects were brought together on that site?

I wonder if that would count as bringing the Objects together?

Food for thought, Seeker.

Heh.