Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32552529-20170712155900/@comment-32461413-20170719155353

So while I think this draft is better, there still are some issues that are unresolved from the first time around.

The cliches are still present, such as the "DEAD" and the crude drawing of a person. Looking at this list, you will find that several of them are included here.

Why would the moderator immediately assume that the "creepy music" is the fan inside the console? Granted this part isn't that important, I just feel that he should be more sublte about it. Perhaps he suggests that it could the fan. It just feels like a hasty conclusion to make given that he doesn't know what it sounds like.

A nitpick, but "And I swore I saw the words (word)  "DEAD" in bold, red letters appear in the bottom right corner." Dead is only one word.

I also found Alan's death to be a bit abrupt. What exactly killed him? I think leaving some hints around as to what exactly killed him (the game, a person, suicide, etc.) would be helpful.

Overall, I do think this is an improvement, but I still feel that the cliches still bring the story down. I think if you were to rework some of those (not to say that you have to get rid of all of them), you could have a more unique story that stands out from the rest of the pack.