Talk:The Lost Science Journal of REM/@comment-1196539-20140725115551

Let me first say, I do like the style and the concept. I'm always game for villains being portrayed as protagonists, turning a game world upside down. That said... this had a lot of problems.

First and foremost: "You." This is really just my opinion, and there are well-received pastas out there that ignore it, but I don't think a pasta should ever try to describe events from the reader's perspective. Or at least not in the second person. It doesn't make me, as a reader, feel any more involved in the story, but rather just feels like a tacky choose-your-own-adventure book. But again, that point is negotiable.

There are several technical points in the writing that could stand to be reviewed, though. The two instances of "irregardless" (which is not a word) were pretty jarring examples. Other general clunkiness, broken dialogue, periods in section titles, and ellipses (...) longer than three dots were also sprinkled throughout, telling me that this could have been proofread better.

The ending was also a bit offputting. I'm assuming the "you" this pasta refers to is a character in-universe; if so, this could be made a little clearer. When Sonic was announced to have shown up in front of the reader, my first thought was some kind of Sonic.exe manifestation or something, which is just silly and overdone. If this is supposed to be from an in-universe perspective, it makes the "you"s a bit more forgiveable.

Lastly, I myself found it pretty easy to guess what this pasta was early on. The doctor/empire bit was a really strong clue, and the "machines made out of my subjects" ended all doubt. Even someone incredibly familiar with the subject matter shouldn't be able to deduce a shock ending creepypasta within half of the first paragraph. In my opinion, I think the hints were a bit too strong in this one, and need to be pulled back. Especially the code names and the animal species references, as those were also dead giveaways. Related note, I should mention that the doctor's name isn't actually "Robotnik Eggman." His full name is Ivo Robotnik, "Eggman" being nothing but a nickname that Sonic and company gave him. Just a little inconsistency in the story, is all.

Again, I think you had a good concept, and giving old Eggy a journal in which he records his scientific achievements from his perspective (in appropriately scientific language) isn't a bad start to a shock ending pasta. The execution just needs some revision.