Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24896872-20140503144952/@comment-4832646-20140503191539

It's pretty cliche and you need to split up the paragraphs where you change topic. Also, there are a lot of run-on sentences and fragments. Combine some, split others.

Also, get rid of the entire first paragraph. We already know we're reading a story. No need to tell the reader that they're reading something.

The story itself is unrealistic. The store clerk sweating from selling a game - realistically they don't ask questions. They don't know anything about their games except what they are, and game stores rarely have a bin just for games that are old. Most get rid of the old games by selling them at a discount.

Also, why is Mario making comments on gaming legends? How would a computer know that? What's with all the games? We could use some explanation. Like what Mario apparently is? A demon? A ghost? Ben?

The ending warning is also pretty cliche.

Also, get rid of the extra spacing.

To be honest, it's excessively cliche. My personal opinion is you'd probably be better off writing a new story. But if you can improve this one, then do so.