Talk:The Life of a Proxy, Part 3/@comment-1196539-20141003154106

My feedback...

Pros: The language is, for the most part, very eloquent and well-selected. The take on the character (again, I don't know how much you've created and how much is a part of these characters' existing lore) is interesting compared to the first two, the three proxies being fairly independent and unique characters. Grammar/spelling/conventions are generally pretty solid.

Cons: There are a couple of goofs in there where technicals are concerned. Also, I've mentioned this before, but you should really consider the character when choosing language. "Fucking" suits perhaps Tobi and his personality, but in Hoody's case, it kind of comes out of left field. His voice is fairly eloquent and mature, intellectual, even, throughout the majority of this pasta, and then he turns into an angsty teenager for one sentence, then back to Mr. Sophistication. It's a matter of consistency. If he's going to be a crude character, give him that voice, and the mannerisms that match; if he's supposed to be more intelligent and thoughtful than his peers, this should reflect in his dialogue. The sudden switch between the two is quite jarring. Lastly, while this isn't necessarily a con, I think there's potential to expand this and the other two proxy stories to more than a page's length. That's up to you, though. Some might think it's better the way it is, as just a snippet out of each of their respective lives.